Placebo
by Pata Hikari
Summary: So what does it mean when you take a pill yet it has no effect?


Ranma Saotome was not a happy man. (Nor would he be a happy woman, depending on the moisture level.)

Thanks to the ancient perverted old monster that was, unfortunately, the founder of his style of martial arts. Ranma found himself stuck in a situation that could aptly be described as hell. Happosai, the aforementioned ancient perverted old monster, had many years ago stolen a magical artifact from the village of _Nǚjiézú._ A bracelet with three pills on it, the effect of swallowing the pills was disasterous.

If a person swallows one of the pills, they will fall in love with the first person of the opposite sex they see. One pill lasted an instant, one a day, and the final one a lifetime.

Ranma had swallowed the Instant Pill, and as a result had very briefly fallen in love with Cologne, an equally old woman and resident of Nǚjiézú visiting Japan thanks to her great granddaughter Shampoo being beaten in a fight by him; thus being engaged to him by their village laws. It had been disturbing, to say the least.

Then, to make the day worse, Akane had swallowed one! Akane Tendo, his fiancee by parental arrangement. A cheerful, tomboyish spitfire, Ranma had quickly grown to enjoy her company and care about her. Even if he'd never admit it to anybody. Ranma had, at first, thought it was just the Day Pill. So he had, in his relief, teased her. But of course she took it the wrong way and stomped off in a huff.

It was then that Cologne revealed it was actually the Lifetime Pill! Akane was going to fall in love, **forever** , with the next male that she sees! The thought of it made Ranma see red. He didn't know if he wanted to **marry** Akane, but he did like her. If this entire engagement mess hadn't happened he would have at least asked her out on a date by now. His mind drifted back to that pervert Mikado Sanzenin, who had dared to want to kiss Akane. Just the thought of any man touching her made his blood boil. The thought of Akane loving any other man made him want to kill someone; preferably the other man in question.

So Ranma ran down the beach in a panic. He knew that Akane could easily get careless, since she probably figured any effects would be gone in a day. He needed to find Akane, tell her about the pill and… and… and Ranma didn't really know what to do next. Maybe keep the blindfold on her for the rest of her life?

He wondered, for a moment, if Anything Goes had any blind fighting styles. Maybe he and Akane could learn them together, that'd be cool.

* * *

Akane sighed. She wasn't exactly in a good mood.

The source of her less then happy mood was, as usual, her alleged fiance. She didn't know what to think of Ranma. Sometimes she was so sure that he actually liked her and that maybe the engagement could work out. Then he'd say something dumb, or just let some other girl crawl on him, or insult her in some way. Then she'd get mad, and he'd get mad.

She pulled the blindfold off her head, figuring that there wasn't anybody around for her to look at and fall in love with. Even if there was, it would just be a day. She let out another sigh, "Stupid Ranma…" She mumbled.

"Akane!" She heard a voice call out her name. Instinctively she turned around to see who was talking… and had a water pail hit her in the face.

"What was that for!" She shouted, pulling the pail off. Standing in front of her, eyes wide, as Ranma.

"You… Akane…! Why…?" Ranma looked stunned. "You're not…"

"Bwee bwee!" Akane turned around, and to her surprise saw her pet pig P-chan crawling out of the sea.

"P-chan?" Akane picked up her pet, "Oh you poor baby! Did you fall?" She turned around to glare at Ranma. "Come to tease me some more?"

"Akane, you, uh…"

"Honestly." Akane said, "It's just a day, and I bet I can avoid looking at any guys-"

"100 Strikes!" Akane heard the voice of Tatewaki Kuno, Kendo Club Captain and her personal stalker burst out of the sea behind her. Without even looking, she backhanded him away into the distant surf.

"See? I can take care of myself." Then, a faint grin appeared on her face, "Well, unless you're **jealous?** " The grin got wider, "Can't stand the idea of me liking a guy for a day, can you Ranma?" She had to admit, she liked it Ranma when he got possessive. Just a bit.

"It's… it's not a day Akane! You took the Lifetime Pill!" Ranma finally managed to spit out.

Akane froze, her smile quickly fading. "L-L-Lifetime!?" Then the panic set in. "Lifetime! Oh god, oh god… Ranma! I.. I'm going to fall in love with the first guy I see! Oh god! Where did I put that blindfold!" She looked around the rocky beach.

"But, uh… Akane…"

"Shut up! Help me find it before it's too late."

"Akane-"

"Oh no. What if Happosai comes over! I don't want to be in love with an old pervert!"

"Akane!"

"Oh won't our parents be happy when they find out about this. They'll be constantly pouring hot water on you taking my blindfold… oh god school. It's going to be awful."

"Listen to me Akane-"

"I wonder if Anything Goes has any blind fighting styles, you'll learn with me right Ranma? I'll have to get used to-"

" **Akane you already looked at me!"** Ranma's shout finally pierced Akane's panic.

Akane stopped and took another look at Ranma. She walked over close to her fiance, and with the hand not holding P-chan, poked Ranma in the chest. The chest that very much was a man's chest. "Oh."

"You had to check and see if I was a guy!?" Ranma said.

"Excuse me! But it's kind of an open question for you!" Akane snapped.

That's when Shampoo and Happosai showed up, Shampoo riding a horse for a reason Akane did not want to understand.

"Nihao Ranma!" Shampoo waved. "Shampoo have Day Pill for Ranma, and new boyfriend for Akane!"

"Come to Papa Akane!" Happosai flew through the air, ready to latch onto Akane's chest. This, of course, did not work. His flight was cruely interrupted by Akane's foot extending out to meet his face. This was followed by Ranma grabbing the old pervert and throwing him out to meet Kuno.

Shampoo got of the horse, looking between the two in confusion. She was holding a steaming kettle. "Aiya! Ranma man still?"

Ranma nodded, "Yeah… I changed before I went after Akane Shampoo."

"And… and Akane not wearing blindfold… did Akane look at Ranma!?" Shampoo looked distressed and panicked.

"She, uh, did." Ranma admitted.

Shampoo slumped over onto her hands and knees in defeat. "Noooooooooooooo!"

Akane however was frowning. "But… I, uh, don't feel any different."

"You don't?" Ranma asked.

"Yeah. I mean, when you took the Instant Pill you were, well… swooning, over Cologne."

Shampoo shot back up, "Maybe it dud?" She asked in a hopeful tone.

"So we panicked over nothing then? Seriously?" Ranma said.

* * *

"Ah, welcome back Son-In-Law." Cologne greeted them as they stepped back into the Cat Cafe booth.

"The pill was busted, Old Ghoul." Ranma said, as Shampoo happily ran past him and Akane to cook up some ramen.

"Hmm?" Cologne glanced at Akane, "What makes you say that?"

"Well, I looked at Ranma." Akane said, "But I don't feel any different. I'm not acting different either."

Cologne pondered this, before a chuckle came out. "Really? You think it doesn't work because of that?"

"Well, yeah. Why else would it be?" Ranma asked.

 _Oh this is too rich._ Cologne thought, _Children can be so dense._ "Well, Son-In-Law, so you're saying that because Miss Tendo here isn't acting of feeling any different, the Love Pill must have had no effect?"

Ranma and Akane looked at each other, "Well… yeah." Ranma said.

"There's another possible explanation." Cologne said, doing her best not to laugh.

"What!?" Akane asked, her eyes wide with worry. "Is it time delayed? Is there some other trick? Will a guy have to kiss me before I fall in love with him?"

Cologne finally let out a chuckle, "Nothing so complex child, the two of you just need to think logically."

The two sat down at a table, leaning in close to listen to her.

"Now then, the Love Pills, their effect is simple enough. You fall in love, instantly, with the first person of the opposite gender you see after taking the pill."

"Yeah, but when Ranma saw you after taking the Instant Pill he… well, you saw how he acted." Akane said.

This time Cologne allowed herself to laugh, "Yes, well, that was the pill… compensating, as it were. I am not exactly Son-In-Law's type, after all."

"I do prefer women who aren't shriveled up old- Ow!" Ranma rubbed his head after Cologne smacked it with her staff.

"Continuing on, Miss Tendo, since you took one of the Love Pills, the Lifetime Pill, you would instantly fall in love with the next man you saw. And you will be in love with this man for the rest of your life."

"But that's just it!" Akane shouted, "I looked at Ranma, and nothing happened!"

"That is interesting then, isn't it? So, since I know for a fact these pills work, that means it had an effect but one you didn't notice." Cologne said, "Well then, Miss Tendo, can you think of any reason why you falling in love with Son-In-Law would feel no different than your default state of being?"

There was a long pause, as the gears clicked in the two teenagers heads. Ranma slowly turned to look at Akane, a wide and silly grin quickly forming. Meanwhile, Akane's face quickly became similar to that of a tomato, only redder.

"Oh no. No. No. No!" Akane said, "I'm not, err, no way! I wasn't!"

"I see you got it. Indeed, the reason why looking at Son-In-Law under the effect of the Love Pill had no effect on you Akane Tendo, is because you were **already in love with Son-In-Law!"**

"Eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeiiiiiii!" Akane squealed, still blushing. "It's… I mean… he's a jerk! He's mean to me all the time!"

"Nobody ever said love was logical, Miss Tendo." Cologne said.

"Hey! Just cause you can't take a little teasing doesn't mean I'm a jerk!" Ranma said.

"Little teasing?!" Akane said.

"Yeah! I'm just joking around you know?"

"Joking?" Akane asked.

"Yeah… you know.. just yanking your chain, joking around. I mean, that's what at least friends do…" Ranma mumbled, a bit of blush coming to his face.

Akane blinked, enlightenment dawning. "Ranma… have you ever had a girl friend, not girlfriend, a friend that's a girl, before?"

Ranma shook his head, "No… Pops sent me to all boys schools until Furinkan… Well, there was Ukyo but I thought she was a guy you know..."

Akane sighed, "Ranma, girls don't tease their friends like guys do."

"Really? That doesn't sound fun." Ranma said.

Cologne listened as their conversations drifted to "safe" topics, neither of them wanting to broach the subject of the love pill in current company. She had to admit, her adventure in Japan had been pretty amusing. It was a bit of a pity that Shampoo was clearly not going to get a nice new husband, but it wasn't like Cologne was here to guarantee her success. The way she saw it, her Great-Granddaughter either got a new husband, or got a lesson in humility. Either way, it would be good for her.

* * *

Shampoo let herself smile as she distributed the ramen into three bowls.

Now, Shampoo was not blind or completely lacking in self awareness. She knew that Ranma was not in love with her, and in fact had little interest currently in marrying her. That didn't mean she wasn't one to try. She had attempted seduction, but it hadn't really worked. When she had learned about his Junsenkyo curse she had decided to train there herself, hoping that the sympathy would make things easier. How was she supposed to know he had a ridiculous phobia? Who even thought training **anybody** in the Cat Fist was a good idea?!

So when that failed, she asked her Great Grandmother for help. So Cologne had tried to force Ranma's hand. But, again, it failed. First actually learning the Chestnuts Roasting over an Open Fire technique with such a handicap; than actually getting her to stand down because as stupid as teaching the Cat Fist was, once it was learned it was hard to argue with the results.

Shampoo immediately recognized Akane as the biggest obstacle to winning Ranma's heart. It was clear from the start that Ranma had some affection for the short tempered Japanese girl. But, even in her anger when giving out a Kiss of Death (not that it was, strictly speaking, legal; since Akane had not beaten her in a fight), Shampoo found she just couldn't really kill the girl. In fact, Shampoo had realized that she didn't have it in herself to kill anybody. Which, was a bit of a problem depending on your perspective.

Still, luck had shone down on her at last! She had been ecstatic when the ancient Nǚjiézú treasure, the Love Pill Bracelet, had been rediscovered. Finally, a way to get Ranma to marry her! Her hope had quickly turned to despair when she had seen that Akane had seen Ranma under the influence of the Lifetime Pill. Fortunately, that hope was swiftly rekindled when she saw that the pill had not worked.

Shampoo pulled out the Day Pill, grinning like the cat she turned into. She had seen the Instant Pill work, so hopefully the Day Pill still worked. Even if it didn't Shampoo did not have much to lose. But if did, then Ranma would be in love with her for a day. More than enough time to get married and then consummate it, ensuring he would be hers forever!

Dropping the Day Pill into Ranma's ramen, she picked up the three bowls and sauntered out rejoin her future husband.

* * *

"How much does a soda cost?" Akane asked.

"100 Yen." Cologne answered.

Akane pulled out some coins and dropped them on the counter. She pulled two cans out of the cooler. However, they were a bit wet and slippery. "Oops!" Akane dropped one of the cans, it clattered onto the floor. She quickly picked it up and returned to the counter. She set the soda in front of Ranma. "Careful, I dropped it."

Ranma smirked, "Geez, for a martial artist you sure are clumsy."

Akane glared at him, "See if I buy you anything ever again."

Ranma actually looked worried, "Ah, come on, I'm just-"

Akane poked Ranma in the nose, grinning, "Gotcha."

"Humph"

"Shampoo bring lunch!" Shampoo came back in, three bowls of fresh ramen balanced in her hands.

"Allright! I'm starving here!" Ranma said, grabbing his chopsticks and guzzling down the ramen the instant Shampoo placed the bowl in front of him. Akane rolled her eyes and just started eating her own noodles. Neither of them noticed Shampoo carefully watching Ranma.

In the time it took for Akane and Shampoo to eat around a fourth of their ramen, Ranma was already done."That was great! Thanks Shampoo." He picked up his soda.

Then Akane noticed that Shampoo had a victorious grin on her face. "Can Ranma look over here…?"

"Hmm?" Ranma said, and several things happened in sequence. First, Ranma opened the can of soda. Since Akane had dropped it, rather than simply open, soda sprayed out. The cold soda shot out straight into Shampoo's face. "Oh! Crap Sorry!" As such, when Ranma looked up at Shampoo, he saw not a chinese girl. No, instead he saw a wet, sticky cat. Despite being male, his scream was remarkably high pitched. Seeing the terrible feline spectre, he immediately clung to the safest thing close by. This happened to be Akane.

Namely, he was now clinging to Akane's head, desperately trying to climb higher and to get away from the cat.

Cologne, having been well prepared for accidental splashings, grabbed a nearby kettle and poured it on Shampoo, restoring her to human form.

"Ahhhggg! Stupid stupid!" Shampoo shouted.

Akane glanced up at her fiance. "You can come down now Ranma."

Ranma blinked, looking down at Akane's face. He didn't notice Shampoo's gasp. He looked around after that and noticed that the cat was gone. So he quickly got off Akane. "Uh, sorry."

Akane shook her head, "It's fine. You can't really help it." She gave him a reassuring smile.

"Day Pill dud too!?" Shampoo shouted in frustration.

Everyone turned to look at Shampoo. "What… do you mean by that Shampoo?" Cologne asked, though she was reasonably sure of the answer now.

Shampoo let out a sheepish smile, "Well… Shampoo stick Day Pill in Ranma's ramen. But then stupid curse make Shampoo cat."

"Honestly Shampoo." Akane glared at her, "Did you really think it was going to work!? I would have thought that…" She looked at Ranma, eyes wide. "Ranma.. you… you ate the Day Pill!"

"Wait, I did!?" Ranma looked down into his now empty bowl, no pill could be seen. "Eerp!"

"You… at the pill… and looked at me." Slowly, a warm smile drifted onto Akane's face.

"But… I'm not… I'm not acting any different."

"Just like me…" Akane said.

"Aaahhhhhhh!" A red faced Ranma ran out of the Cat Cafe shack, streaking down the beach.

Akane stood up and bowed, "Thanks for the food!" She quickly guzzled down her remaining ramen and ran off after Ranma.

Shampoo groaned, "This entire day waste of time Great-Grandmother."

Cologne held up the Love Pill Bracelet, "I got this back."

"Pills gone though! It useless." Shampoo grumbled.

"They do grow back, Shampoo."

"Then Shampoo can try again!?" She looked hopefully at Cologne.

Cologne shook her head, "It really would be a waste of time, Shampoo. Especially since they know of it. Nope, I'm sending this home."

Shampoo pouted.

* * *

"Ranma!" Akane finally caught up to her fiance. "Ranma! Come on!"

By sheer luck they had found themselves back on the rocky outcropping. Some random wave had managed to splash Ranma, turning him into a girl.

"Uh… hey Akane." Ranma mumbled, looking out into the sea.

Akane sat down next to her. "Hey." She looked out into the waves, "So… you, um…"

"Stupid pill had to be busted." Ranma said.

Akane just sighed, "OK, fine. Let's try something Ranma."

"Hmm?" Ranma looked over at her.

"Tell me you **don't** love me." Akane said. "I mean, pretty simple right? If you don't like me like that, then it should be easy to say."

Ranma glared at her, "How about you? Huh?"

"I… um… I do…" Akane cursed Ranma for turning this around, "I… I do l-l-like you, Ranma. I mean… uh… if I didn't, why would I care if Shampoo hung off you! Or… I wouldn't get so mad at your immature boy teasing either!" She pulled her knees up to her chin. "I just… you know… didn't know if I wanted to get married."

"Uh-huh. Same here. Stupid Pops." Ranma said.

"And… well now, I guess, if the Pill really does work that way…." Akane said, "I mean, I can't change how I feel now. I'll be liking you for the rest of my life."

That caught Ranma's attention, "That's… crap, you're right."

"Even if I like you now, there was always a chance things could change. But not now."

Ranma took that in, "Yeah… I guess that's right…" She stretched her arms up, "Well then, that just means I'm going to have to take care of you the rest of your life."

Akane's jaw dropped, "R-R-Ranma…?"

"I don't change my mind easily either, you know." Ranma gave Akane a confident grin, and Akane felt her heart beat a little faster.

"Oh Ranma." Akane leaned in closer, one hand stretching over Ranma's shoulder, ready to give her fiance a hug.

"Akane Tendo! Pig-tailed Girl!" That's when Kuno erupted out of the surf, "I see you waited for me after that display of my prowess! Come, let us have a date on this lovely beach!"

"Hotcha! Two sweet things!" Happosai was on top of Kuno's head, "Come play with Grandpa Happy!"

Ranma and Akane acted in unison, both of their fists instantly smashing into the dual perverts heads, embedding both of them into the rock up to their neck.

"Stay here and drown!" Ranma shouted. She grabbed Akane's hand, "Let's go back to the hotel."

Akane nodded, "Yeah… It's been a long day." The two headed off.

Kuno, shook his head, letting some gravel fall away. "Ah, their fiery spirits even now tempt me…"

Happosai turned his head to look at Kuno, "You're not too bright, are you boy?"

* * *

Night came to the beach, Ranma and Akane explained that the Love Pills didn't have an effect, making sure not to mention to their family members of Cologne's alternate explanation. Soun and Genma were disappointed, Nabiki didn't care, and Kasumi asked if they'd like some watermelon.

They accepted the melon, sitting out on the porch watching the night sky.

Akane was smiling, it was that cute smile Ranma always enjoyed. She took a dainty bite of her melon, her other hand was resting on the porch.

Ranma nervously swallowed his melon whole. _OK Saotome… you know she likes you… so…_ He slowly, shakily, lowered his hand over hers.

Akane looked up at him in surprise.

"So… uh… wh-when we get home. How'd you like to, uh, go see a movie?"

Akane's smile lit up the night. "Sure Ranma. I'd love to."


End file.
